In the early days of World War One the German Kaiser was talking to the head of Swiss army.
"You have an army of only 500,000 men.What would you do if attacked by an army of one million men？" asked the Kaiser.
"Each one of our soldiers would simply shoot twice，" said the Swiss army commander.
(Wow..)
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
At a casino
At a Las Vegas casino，a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer.The player says，"When I get bad cards，it's not the dealer's fault.Accordingly，when I get good cards，the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either，so why should I tip him？"
The dealer replies，"When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter？"
"Yes，" the gambler concedes.
"Well then he serves you food: whether it's good or bad isn't up to him. By the same token，I'm serving you cards，so you should tip me."
"OK，" says the gambler，"but the waiter gives me what I ask for.I'll take an 8."
(W o w ..)
The dealer replies，"When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter？"
"Yes，" the gambler concedes.
"Well then he serves you food: whether it's good or bad isn't up to him. By the same token，I'm serving you cards，so you should tip me."
"OK，" says the gambler，"but the waiter gives me what I ask for.I'll take an 8."
(W o w ..)
A girl and her old lady
An attractive young girl，chaperoned by an ugly old lady，entered the doctor's office.
"We have come for an examination." said the young girl.
"All right." said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No， not me." said the girl. "It's my aunt here."
"Very well." said the doctor. "Madam， stick out your tongue."
( Ha ha ha..)
"We have come for an examination." said the young girl.
"All right." said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No， not me." said the girl. "It's my aunt here."
"Very well." said the doctor. "Madam， stick out your tongue."
( Ha ha ha..)
VIP
While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive.
So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them.
As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked:
"Who is in the limo, the governor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the governor."
Then the chief asked
"Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly whispered: "I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."
(..Very Funny~)
So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them.
As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked:
"Who is in the limo, the governor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the governor."
Then the chief asked
"Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly whispered: "I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."
(..Very Funny~)
Man and Woman
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does..
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does..
Good lawer
Two lawyers entered a diner and ordered two glasses of beer.
Then they took out sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner, incensed at what the two men were doing, marched over and told them,
"You can't eat your own sandwiches here!"
The two lawyers looked at each other,
..shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Then they took out sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner, incensed at what the two men were doing, marched over and told them,
"You can't eat your own sandwiches here!"
The two lawyers looked at each other,
..shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
His wife
Two men were talking in the pub about their forthcoming holidays.
"I'm taking my wife on an African safari，" said the first man.
His friend asked, "Isn't that a bit dangerous? What would you do if a ferocious lion attacked her?"
"Nothing！" replied the first man.
"What, you wouldn't do anything?" "No，" said the first man.
"Let the stupid lion fend for itself!"
"I'm taking my wife on an African safari，" said the first man.
His friend asked, "Isn't that a bit dangerous? What would you do if a ferocious lion attacked her?"
"Nothing！" replied the first man.
"What, you wouldn't do anything?" "No，" said the first man.
"Let the stupid lion fend for itself!"
Guess who
A young pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"
This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"
Apple pie
A wife woke her husband up one night and whispered urgently,
"Honey, I was awakened by noises downstairs. I went down and found a burglar in the kitchen eating my apple pie!"
"Are you sure he is eating your pie?"
"I'm positive!" "In that case" said the man sleepily,
"should I call the police or an ambulance?"
"Honey, I was awakened by noises downstairs. I went down and found a burglar in the kitchen eating my apple pie!"
"Are you sure he is eating your pie?"
"I'm positive!" "In that case" said the man sleepily,
"should I call the police or an ambulance?"
A poll
We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs.The results were pretty surprising.
10 percent of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs. 10 percent of the men preferred women with thin thighs.
Now what about the other 80 percent of the respondents？ They preferred what's in between them.
10 percent of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs. 10 percent of the men preferred women with thin thighs.
Now what about the other 80 percent of the respondents？ They preferred what's in between them.
An elderly couple
An elderly couple is getting ready for bed.
She says, "Oh I am just so hungry for ice cream and there isn't any in the house."
He says, "I'll go get some."
She says, "Vanilla with chocolate sauce, with whipped cream on top and a cherry."
She adds, "Please write it down, I know you'll forget."
He says, "I won't forget; Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry!"
Away he goes.
Hours later he comes back and hands her a paper bag.
"In it is a "HAM SANDWICH".
She says," I told you to write it down! You forgot the mustard."
She says, "Oh I am just so hungry for ice cream and there isn't any in the house."
He says, "I'll go get some."
She says, "Vanilla with chocolate sauce, with whipped cream on top and a cherry."
She adds, "Please write it down, I know you'll forget."
He says, "I won't forget; Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry!"
Away he goes.
Hours later he comes back and hands her a paper bag.
"In it is a "HAM SANDWICH".
She says," I told you to write it down! You forgot the mustard."
Man and woman
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Wow..
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Wow..
Good kids
Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," says his mom, "Of course not."
After Little Johnny runs back outside, his mom hears him yell to his friend,
"It's OK, we can keep playing!"
"No," says his mom, "Of course not."
After Little Johnny runs back outside, his mom hears him yell to his friend,
"It's OK, we can keep playing!"
Second opinion
A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!" and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"I was getting a second opinion."
The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!" and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"I was getting a second opinion."
Clever dog
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning,
"We've got such a clever dog.
He brings in the daily newspapers every morning"
Her husband replied..
"Well, lots of dogs can do that"
The wife responded,
"But we've never subscribed to any papers!"
"We've got such a clever dog.
He brings in the daily newspapers every morning"
Her husband replied..
"Well, lots of dogs can do that"
The wife responded,
"But we've never subscribed to any papers!"
Good girl
After the dance, young Charles asked the young girl
..if he could see her home?
so,
she showed him a picture of it.
..if he could see her home?
so,
she showed him a picture of it.
the thinnest book
Q: What's the thinnest book in the world?
A: 'What Men Know About Women.'
Q: What's the thickest book in the world?
A: 'What Women Know About men.'(maybe, illusion…)
A: 'What Men Know About Women.'
Q: What's the thickest book in the world?
A: 'What Women Know About men.'(maybe, illusion…)
A parrot
Mary went to a pet shop and decided to take a parrot home.
The owner said the bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it said some pretty vulgar stuff.
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird said, “ New house, new madame, new girls.”
Mary and the girls began to laugh about the situation.
After a while, Mary’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird look at him and said,“ Hi, Keith!”
The owner said the bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it said some pretty vulgar stuff.
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird said, “ New house, new madame, new girls.”
Mary and the girls began to laugh about the situation.
After a while, Mary’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird look at him and said,“ Hi, Keith!”
My father is
A: " My father is a famous scientist."
B: " My father is the president of a major trading company."
C: " My father is a distinguished professor."
D: " Oh yeah? My dad can make everyone in the White House tremble.
He works in the boiler room."
B: " My father is the president of a major trading company."
C: " My father is a distinguished professor."
D: " Oh yeah? My dad can make everyone in the White House tremble.
He works in the boiler room."
Woman
Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says, "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says,
"why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you."
God says, "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says,
"why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you."
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